Guys...What do I do?

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CarefulBuilder14
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Postby CarefulBuilder14 » Thu Sep 11, 2014 7:07 pm

This is 2014. If she wants to get in touch, she has a wide variety of methods available for doing so.

I think she cares about you, and doesn't want you to suffer in general, or to be the one to make you suffer.

Women tend to view men on a 'two ladder' basis. One ladder is for friends, and the other is for potential romantic partners. Women tend to assign men to one of these groups pretty quickly. How a man interacts with her can move him up or down each ladder. It sounds like you're high on the friendship ladder, and your friendship genuinely means a lot to her. The unfortunate news is that you're stuck there. You're a valuable friend to her. If you weren't, she might tell you more bluntly (and perhaps cruelly) that she wasn't interested, rather than trying to ignore you and hope your interest in her dies away in a nearly painless way. She may care about you more than she cares about some romantic partners in her life, but it's just a different kind of caring.

Once you're on the friend ladder, it is extremely difficult to move over to the romantic ladder. You tried to make that jump, but it didn't work. It's not just you. Usually, it doesn't work.

Guys are different, usually. An old female friend can potentially become a desired romantic partner more easily. But if the female is interested, it usually means she had a little bit of interest in the past.

Give her some space and some time, and your friendship can return to near-normality.
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Postby Snowman » Thu Sep 11, 2014 7:39 pm

CarefulBuilder14 wrote:This is 2014. If she wants to get in touch, she has a wide variety of methods available for doing so.

I think she cares about you, and doesn't want you to suffer in general, or to be the one to make you suffer.

Women tend to view men on a 'two ladder' basis. One ladder is for friends, and the other is for potential romantic partners. Women tend to assign men to one of these groups pretty quickly. How a man interacts with her can move him up or down each ladder. It sounds like you're high on the friendship ladder, and your friendship genuinely means a lot to her. The unfortunate news is that you're stuck there. You're a valuable friend to her. If you weren't, she might tell you more bluntly (and perhaps cruelly) that she wasn't interested, rather than trying to ignore you and hope your interest in her dies away in a nearly painless way. She may care about you more than she cares about some romantic partners in her life, but it's just a different kind of caring.

Once you're on the friend ladder, it is extremely difficult to move over to the romantic ladder. You tried to make that jump, but it didn't work. It's not just you. Usually, it doesn't work.

Guys are different, usually. An old female friend can potentially become a desired romantic partner more easily. But if the female is interested, it usually means she had a little bit of interest in the past.

Give her some space and some time, and your friendship can return to near-normality.


Careful,

I think so too, but I've suffered a lot in my past (I was always the kid that was socially awkward back in Elementary School. Once I got to Jr. High and High school I became much more social). So I can take a lot of crap..I'm used to it. Maybe you are right, maybe she doesn't want to be the one to make me suffer.

I guess she cares in a different way. If anything, I'd rather her be blunt (I prefer blunt honesty) and tell me straight the words "No". I guess I'm in the "Friend Zone" forever...lol?

Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. I mean we've been friends for a long time so we'll still talk and stuff but no more trying to be involved with her in a partner/romantic sense. I mean she said "I'll think about it"....that's why I was being patient. But I can only wonder for so long and delude myself...
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CarefulBuilder14
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Postby CarefulBuilder14 » Thu Sep 11, 2014 8:03 pm

Snowman wrote:Careful,

I think so too, but I've suffered a lot in my past (I was always the kid that was socially awkward back in Elementary School. Once I got to Jr. High and High school I became much more social). So I can take a lot of crap..I'm used to it. Maybe you are right, maybe she doesn't want to be the one to make me suffer.

I guess she cares in a different way. If anything, I'd rather her be blunt (I prefer blunt honesty) and tell me straight the words "No". I guess I'm in the "Friend Zone" forever...lol?

Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. I mean we've been friends for a long time so we'll still talk and stuff but no more trying to be involved with her in a partner/romantic sense. I mean she said "I'll think about it"....that's why I was being patient. But I can only wonder for so long and delude myself...


"I'll think about it" means "I am not going to give you the full, brutal truth right now, because I don't want to hurt you. I just want your feelings and these conversations to end as painlessly as possible".

When a typical woman is genuinely undecided about someone as a steady, stable, romantic partner, she may make herself a little hard to get. Maybe intentionally not returning a call for a few days if the guy is someone she hasn't known for very long. Maybe you'd have to text her 3 or 4 times before she replies. But no contact for a month means "I really don't want to talk to him and I wish he'd move on".

It hurts her to have to hurt you. Saying you can take the pain doesn't totally take the pain away for her.
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Postby Snowman » Thu Sep 11, 2014 8:42 pm

CarefulBuilder14 wrote:"I'll think about it" means "I am not going to give you the full, brutal truth right now, because I don't want to hurt you. I just want your feelings and these conversations to end as painlessly as possible".

When a typical woman is genuinely undecided about someone as a steady, stable, romantic partner, she may make herself a little hard to get. Maybe intentionally not returning a call for a few days if the guy is someone she hasn't known for very long. Maybe you'd have to text her 3 or 4 times before she replies. But no contact for a month means "I really don't want to talk to him and I wish he'd move on".

It hurts her to have to hurt you. Saying you can take the pain doesn't totally take the pain away for her.


Your right, that's what I figured it meant...but at the time I was trying to be hopeful...

I mean she responded to a couple but other then that....I haven't heard from her. But ya...Imma move on then, there's nothing else left to do.

True, True. I didn't think about it that way.
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Postby lobbythis » Thu Sep 11, 2014 9:54 pm

Yup, CarefulBuilder makes the other good point I forgot. She is just dragging things out until you give up so she doesn't have to look like the bad one by telling you no. You can ask them to be honest all you want, but they won't be in this situation, especially if she is young.

That's why I felt the harshness was justified. She is a good friend, but she is still just wasting a ton of your time and making you look like a fool. The only way to stop it is to just cut it off and let her decide when she wants to come back and talk to you again. You will just be friends unfortunately, but at least you won't have to be wondering aimlessly anymore.

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Postby Snowman » Thu Sep 11, 2014 11:18 pm

Lobbythis,

We're the same age...but yeah that's how I'm feeling...like she's dragging it out. All I wanted was simple yes or no...it doesn't take a month to answer that.

Yeah your right, if anything she'll contact me, instead of me having to initiate it. If she doesn't, I'll leave it alone. That's true...no more aimlessness and wondering....
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Postby CarefulBuilder14 » Fri Sep 12, 2014 12:43 am

So we've been giving you a lot of advice about inaction and what not to do. Maybe some advice about what to do will be more helpful.

If you aren't part of a gym, join one. If you already work out, work out more often. It will help you take your mind off of her, and give you something else to think about. It may also be a good way to meet new people and get you out of your rut.

Or, see if you can get a friend to follow a similar workout schedule. After my first (and, actually, only bad) breakup, I would go jogging in the morning and a few friends would come along. The ex had been my previous main jogging partner, so having friends there helped. The early morning workouts with friends did die off in attendance and frequency, but they were enough to keep me from losing that healthy habit entirely.

Also, as you look better, you get more looks from MOSs. Those help a lot in building confidence and mending a wounded heart.

Don't try to rush into a relationship with someone else, though, or even actively look for one. Be selfish a bit, and focus on what is best for you and the people who have been good to you.
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Snowman
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Postby Snowman » Fri Sep 12, 2014 1:33 am

CarefulBuilder14 wrote:So we've been giving you a lot of advice about inaction and what not to do. Maybe some advice about what to do will be more helpful.

If you aren't part of a gym, join one. If you already work out, work out more often. It will help you take your mind off of her, and give you something else to think about. It may also be a good way to meet new people and get you out of your rut.

Or, see if you can get a friend to follow a similar workout schedule. After my first (and, actually, only bad) breakup, I would go jogging in the morning and a few friends would come along. The ex had been my previous main jogging partner, so having friends there helped. The early morning workouts with friends did die off in attendance and frequency, but they were enough to keep me from losing that healthy habit entirely.

Also, as you look better, you get more looks from MOSs. Those help a lot in building confidence and mending a wounded heart.

Don't try to rush into a relationship with someone else, though, or even actively look for one. Be selfish a bit, and focus on what is best for you and the people who have been good to you.


Careful,

I am part of a gym and I also do cross fit about 4-5 times a week (I go to the gym on the weekend)

I do that also, I run when I have something on my mind and it helps me keep a clear focus. My other big motivation for getting in shape was also enlisting. When I went to go see a recruiter near my work place, he basically laughed and told me to come back in a year. I went to another one closer to my house and I came back 7 months later and 40 pounds lighter-good enough to get me to MEPS. Even if I go soon, I have six months to prepare for bootcamp. So it's still a work in progress.

MOSs?

Believe me, I'm in no rush for a relationship right now or looking for one anymore. That's what I ought to do. I just realize that when I enlist and come back, a lot will have changed and I don't want to get left behind...but I'm going to focus on what's important for now and then see where it goes...
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Avionics!

Postby OldMan » Fri Sep 12, 2014 6:32 am

Snowman wrote:Oldman,

That's awesome! If you don't mind me asking, what did you do in the AF? AF was my first option but they never responded to my emails or calls at two separate recruitment offices so I went with the Navy instead since they were actually willing to work with me.


I went in with a "General Electrical" selection. That means I was basically going to be working in an electrical/electronic field, but wouldn't be assigned until after Basic. I started out as an Avionics Instrument Tech, that later changed to Aircraft Avionics.

Bit of advice, don't ever call an AF recruiter. If you want to talk with them, go into the office. They get a lot of people that aren't really that serious that will call them, the ones that are more likely to join, usually take the time to come sit down with them. They DO have quota's that they have to meet, so they tend to focus on the people that seem the most committed. As I understand, you hadn't taken the ASVAB test (or what ever they call it now) when you tried to contact them. I'm betting they would be more responsive now.
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Postby Snowman » Fri Sep 12, 2014 9:19 am

Oldman,

That's sounds like a pretty good job to have. The other thing I didn't like was that the AF wouldn't tell you until after Basic what you were going to be doing. I want to know what I'm doing before I get there. I liked the AF simply because of all the different types of jobs they had that were more hands on.

No, I hadn't take the ASVAB then...I took a fake "ASVAB", but I committed myself to the Navy since they've dealt with me fairly and I like their rates better...
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