Callmedory wrote:Anyway, mom was an only child. My grandmother had a trust, leaving all to mom, and her grandchildren equally if mom predeceased her. Mom disclaimed her interest in the house, so it came to us. Mom could have kept the house, sold it, and gifted each of us money, but between the gift taxes and it doing more good in a larger amount to each of us, she decided to disclaim. My siblings have historically been poor with money: my sister has NO retirement beyond what was automatic with her job (teacher); my brother used part of this inheritance to begin funding his retirement, at age 53. I’m the cautious one. Ironically, like my grandmother.
Since she had a trust, she went out of her want to make a plan for her property. While alive, it sounds like she was very unpleasant. In death, it sounds like she was generous. I can see how that would leave you with very mixed feelings. So it seems right that you should be somewhat grateful, and yet not really miss her as you'd miss a relative with whom you were closer.
If she had no financial planning at all, it might be a different story. She might have had the attitude of "Why make a will or trust? Once I'm gone, it will be their problem, not mine. Let them deal with the legal mess." If that had been the case, then your siblings' lack of gratitude could be very natural.
Maybe over time, they just went from seeing her as a relative they should try to love, to a source of a future inheritance (and a retirement fund) that they just had to avoid angering? Is it possible that they feel they had to 'earn' the inheritance by putting up with her for so long? It's not a good way to view a family member, but I can understand why they'd feel that way.
Your grandmother could have been really cruel to them by hinting at an inheritance, then changing the trust to benefit someone outside the family.
I know someone whose neighbor did that. The story I heard was that the neighbor didn't like his children and/or thought they should be self-sufficient. Nearing death, he changed his will and trust to leave much of his property (which included a $2M-ish house) to his gardener - partly out of thanks and friendship, and partly just to spite his family.